Damage Control and Clarity
Fast forward a few months after returning from our summer break at the house in France and the sale of the flat was near completion so we were approaching the time for us to move out. We didn't know quite how difficult the next two months were going to be. Now bare with me as I tell the story, it's always darkest before dawn and I have to share the gloomy bit for you to understand the dawn bit. Our daughter barely got ill during her time at French school with only 36 pupils in the whole school and rural living. She had to adjust to then being in a town school with over 600 students and it hit her immune system like a wrecking ball. It started with a UTI, then chicken pox, then we had to pack up the flat and put everything in to storage and stay in an Airbnb because we hadn't managed to secure the next rental flat yet. Then our daughter got the second round of illnesses, a serious sinus infection and then scarlet fever. Multiple courses of antibiotics had taken its toll on her. It was a really stressful time. We ended up doing six moves in two months, hopping from Airbnb to the next one and a couple of weeks in a friends house until we finally found a suitable flat with enough space to include a home office and studio. It's a great flat in a great location and I am so very grateful for it. We moved in at the end of January 2024. Not long after settling in to our new home my mother’s condition deteriorated. She had been suffering a long and slow battle with dementia and Alzheimer's for over ten years, probably closer to 13 years. There have been multiple occasions where her health took yet another turn for the worse and I had prepared myself for the inevitable and said my goodbyes but ever resilient as she was, she would somehow hold on despite being completely bed ridden and non verbal. Not this time though, when one loses the ability to swallow there is not much that can be done. She had pneumonia again, from food getting on her lungs. The hospital agreed to release her so that she could pass at home. She held on longer than any of us expected which I suppose is consistent, she was a resilient and determined woman till the end. She passed away on 26th May 2024. RIP Mum. 
Even though I had so much time to prepare for my mum’s final passing, when it eventually happened it raised so many emotions that I was not expecting and which took time to process. One thing is for sure though, after seeing how she suffered it has given me the kick I need to start taking my health more seriously especially my brain health, which includes diabetes prevention. Sugar control, no processed foods, organic foods (funds permitting), healthy fats, addressing any nutrient deficiencies, gingko biloba, lions mane, omega 3s and exercise.
We had hoped we would get out to the house in France at Easter time to finish off the kitchen and do some more work, but I think we just needed to rest after the start to the year we had had, and then of course being there for our Mum was important. However, it wasn't long before summer rolled around again and it was time to make the long journey down into the depths of the Morvan Regional National Park. It really is in the middle of rural France, not near an airport, and not particularly easy to get to by train so the only option for us is by Eurotunnel and drive. The same as the summer before I had the intention of blasting through the DIY and getting it on the market by the end of summer. We drove down on an incredibly hot day, over 40 degrees and no aircon in an old Transit van full of tools, supplies and fragile hopes of progress. We arrived late in the afternoon, hot and tired. The house had been left unopened for a year so we finally had to face that worry about the basement that we had had to push to the back of our minds for the last year. The front door was a bit jammed, it had swelled but we managed to get it open, we were greeted by heavy air, the thick and fusty smell of mould. As we ventured further into the dark house to open up the shutters and windows to let the old girl get some fresh air the damage of neglect was clear. The entire ground floor was covered in mould. On the furniture, the wallpapers, the rugs, soft furnishings, lampshades. It was everywhere and my heart sank. I had to hold it together in front of Noa our daughter though who refused to go inside. Having done many renovations she has heard us talk about how damaging to health mould is. So I managed to arrange for her to stay at a friend's house that night, they came and got her straightaway. As soon as the car pulled away and Noa was in safe hands I burst out crying. I remember watching Escape to the Chateau one time and someone saying that ''you don't own a chateau, a chateau owns you'' and it has stuck with me ever since. Our big old house might not be a chateau but the principle still applies. It is such a big project that at that moment seemed too much to conquer. Here we were turning up with hopes of getting it ready for sale but each time you arrive you are just playing catch up. The house falls into an ever diminishing state of repair and you do your best to patch it up with plasters during your few weeks there. And then you lock up the doors and turn away once more. 
You can see some of the worst areas affected by water damage and mould in these photos. There was storm damage causing a downpipe to come loose from the wall allowing rain water to come through to the hall areas. The exterior wooden staircase was also very rotten and had to be removed. There were holes in the guttering and damaged and slipped roof tiles.
If you missed the previous blog ‘The Return’ I left it on the fact that last time we had to leave the house with the boiler draining into a large bucket so as not to miss our ferry, well the result of that was that the bucket was not big enough and our worry about the basement flooding had indeed happened. That water had sat down there for a full year in a house closed up without daylight or ventilation so of course the mould was inevitable. The flooded basement even had a resident toad that had moved in. We hadn't anticipated the additional water from storm damage but unfortunately life doesn't come with an instruction manual and we learn from our mistakes, this was a costly lesson but we have learnt and we have now left keys with friends who live locally and asked them to check in on the house periodically and air it. Michael could see that I couldn't take the stress or what felt like the burden of the house anymore so he took the yoke, told me to let go of the responsibility and let him handle it. We did need to get straight on with the clean up operation though as we had to sleep there that night. I think it took us two weeks to clean everything of the layer of mould dust. Michael stripped the wallpaper in the mouldiest places and everything was scrubbed down with vinegar and then bleach. All the soft furnishings were washed, it was often over 40 degrees so drying everything wasn't a problem. I surrendered the idea of rushing to get the house on the market, Michael felt it would be a shame to have come this far on the journey and not carry out at least some of what we had hoped to do. So I put my big girl pants on and did what I could whilst we were there. We did some of the nicer jobs in the kitchen like putting up hanging rails and painting the antique cabinet or 'buffet' as they call them in France. Our neighbour who we bought the house off originally had built a swimming pool since our last visit so we took him up on the offer to use that. I got my sewing machine out and made some cute striped curtains for under the counters, using the ping pong table as my cutting table. I want the house to feel authentic to its rural French location with the decor, so I don't want anything too modern. I think part of the mental struggle for me regarding the house is that I can see exactly how great it could be and I have a vision for the renovation but I couldn't see how we realistically get there with such limited funds and living in another country. The plan had to change but the ideas and inspiration were still there and I didn't know how to bridge the two. The solution was to let it go for now, to once again loosen my grip on having a plan. 
We decided to start delegating some of the jobs so we enlisted a local decorator to start restoring some of the original windows and shutters. But at 500 euros a window we need to go slowly on this endeavour as there are 25 rooms! I’ve picked cream for the render, white for the windows and sills and a pale sage colour for the shutters. The orange paint peeling off the wood and metal shutters is lead paint so it needs to be removed carefully.
Decorating is the fun bit, and the part that I’m itching to get to, but the preparation is often eighty percent of the task, however, the twenty percent fun bit is enough to spur me on! So we stripped the wallpaper from the middle bedroom at the front of the house. There were layers revealing the aesthetic history of the house, most of which is firmly stuck in the 1970’s but some of the rooms had been given superficial 80’s updates with just a new layer of wallpaper. It felt good to start peeling all of this away. As I write this I can see how the this whole journey has done exactly the same in me both emotionally and spiritually. It has aided, sometimes forced me to peel back the superficial and brittle layers which hide the massive cracks underneath. This house has asked me so many questions about my attitude to life, what I want from life, my purpose, what I am making idols out of...the list is endless. Uh the penny drop moment… I am the house! So much potential just waiting to be fulfilled. This neglected and overlooked house, decades of dodgy wiring, bad plumbing, poor maintenance and papering over the cracks. Sat empty just waiting for someone to come along and restore her. But here’s the thing, how deep, how far are you prepared to go? In regards to the house, we started to reveal just how much work needs to be done and it felt insurmountable, for me at least. Then in regard to me, there is only so far you can get in life repressing your childhood trauma, the rejections, the neglect, the destructive inherited modes of behaviour, the unfulfilled potential thinly veiled like the wallpaper over cracks. I have been putting the work in on myself for years, decades even, but it is a delicate process, God is merciful in that he never burdens us with more than we can cope with, yes often it can feel like it is more than we can bare but honestly that is when the real growth happens. A seed must first break open before the growth and transformation starts. In my own life it feels like this happens in levels. Pertaining to specific issues, you may go through a superficial healing or cleansing initially, perhaps a subtle readjustment and you move on thinking it is dealt with but then as you mature in your experience and faith you come back to the same issue but go a little deeper, again you move on but find yourself revisiting it once more, further down the line but at a deeper level again according to what your strength and maturity allows. A bit like the film Inception, a dream, within a dream, within a dream. There are levels. The house confronts me because it asks me 'how far are you willing to go?' However, at this point I had my fingers in my ears shielding myself from answering that question. Once again it was time to return to the UK for the new school term and work. We leave the keys with friends and say goodbye for the winter. 
On our last visit, we cleaned the mould (massive job!), Michael drained the flooded basement, patch repaired the roof, guttering and secured loose down pipes, he cut down a tree growing too close to the house, and removed the rotten exterior staircase. we got a little further with the kitchen and stripped a bedroom.
The ‘damage control’ was summer 2024. The 'clarity' has only come to me in the last two weeks in January 2025. We are in an economic downturn, everything is getting crazy expensive, we are paying the same amount on rent for a flat in St. Leonards-On-Sea as we were paying for a four bed house in London ten years ago and yet our income is less. For two self employed people the pressure is on every month. I have been an artist for over 20 years and whilst there has been fat and lean periods it has been enough to sustain me. But recently I have had to question if I can keep this up as my main profession, I started looking for jobs. I've been thinking about how I can diversify my income through my different skills. I was prompted to do a three day fast, although I was very reluctant from a flesh perspective I knew it would be good. I think it was on day one of the fast, something came up on my Instagram feed about a grant for artists who have been painting for over twenty years from the Adolf & Esther Gottleib Foundation. I checked it out and reading about the Foundation and what they do honestly moved me to tears. The deadline for applications was in a day so I didn't have long. I needed to show evidence that I have been a full-time artist for 20 years. My photos are very disorganised so I had the task of not only finding photos of my work from over the last 20 years but resizing, titling and putting them all in chronological order. This took so long that I barely had time to write much in the written section of the application. The deadline was at 5am and I submitted at 3am barely awake. My chances of being shortlisted were probably compromised by my rushed and and not well planned application but something incredible happened during the process that made it worthwhile either way. I have never done a proper review of my work, especially not one spanning 20 years and the result shocked me. I have questioned and doubted myself so much through my career as an artist. Am I really an 'artist'? What does it mean to be an artist? Am I good enough? etc. But what I was faced with was a file of over 240 oil paintings and I know that doesn't even represent all the paintings I have done, just the ones I have photos of and it doesn't include drawings, works on paper or digital art. Also, my paintings are not quick, I often spend weeks, even months on my paintings. It is not linear but that equates to one painting a month, every month for twenty years. Regardless of how I think about myself, what challenges life has thrown at me, illness, motherhood, marriage, relocating to another country, undertaking massive renovation projects, I have remained devoted and consistent to my art. It doesn't matter what I think, the evidence is overwhelming that I am an artist. This might sound ridiculously obvious to an observer but to me this understanding is life changing because I no longer need to question it. Rich or poor, rain or shine I will continue to paint because I am an artist whether I like it not! It is liberating, I finally know who I am. This also helped me to stop putting myself in a box. For some reason because I like interiors and decorative art too I felt like that some how meant I couldn't think of myself as a fine artist. I have finally given myself permission to express my creativity however I want, it doesn't undermine my artistic credibility in any way. 
Some of my paintings from the last 20 years.
Having removed the limitations on my creativity, I started to think about how that could manifest. In the past week a couple of people, independently of each other, have prompted me to think bigger. I thought about what I would like to do without worrying about how I would fund it and my mind opened up to all these new possibilities. I have been ruminating for some time now on how the rise of AI and the capitalist, consumerist structure of our society, where profit ranks above all else is so damaging to the Arts. I believe that God, the original creator, created us in his image. That means our creativity as humans is a divine reflection of Him. When we create, we commune with our maker and what we create is a conduit of God’s grace to other people. This is leading me to really value the sanctity of being a creative, an artisan, a writer etc. It is about human connection. It is vital to the soul of society to nurture the Arts. I started reading about the Arts and Crafts movement and this excerpt from the Victoria and Albert Museum website really resonated with me. ''This common culture helped develop a collective belief in the importance of designing objects for a 'total' interior: a space in which architecture, furniture, wall decoration, etc. blended in a harmonious whole. As a result, most Arts and Crafts designers worked across an unusually wide range of different disciplines. In a single career someone could apply craft-based principles to the design of things as varied as armchairs and glassware.'' Yes! This is what I am inspired to do, I want to create spaces where the 'total' interior is art. Something like Charleston House or William Morris' Red House but not just as a show house. I want it to be an active space open to the wider artistic community. For artist residencies, workshops, writers retreats, photo shoots, even music recitals and so on. This is a switch from an introverted, insular view of my art to wanting to embrace collaboration and the wider art community. Initially I got all excited and started thinking about fundraising to make this happen in the house in France but when I started looking into the logistics, it is complicated re tax and the running of it from another country. We could make it happen there or we could sell and buy a similar project in the UK to set up as an art foundation. I am not sure exactly how it will work out but I have clarity on who I am and what my goal is. Hallelujah! 